Who am I? – The “Ani”
Every individual shares a name with G-d. In Hebrew, the word “Ani” means “I.” The word “Ani” is also one of the names of G-d, “Ani”, the infinite “I”.
This shared name is hinting to a deep connection between man & G-d. One’s own existence is hinting to the larger Existence of G-d, the ultimate Ani. (Mystics explain that knowledge of G-d is really an expansion of the most primary knowledge, that I exist.) Let’s explore this relationship a little deeper.
The Source of Existence
In Torah thought, G-d is understood as the source of existence. The Rambam expresses this Idea beautifully as the opening Laws of Judaism: (free translation)
“The foundation of foundations and the pillar that all wisdom rests upon is the knowledge of the Primary existence which allows for the existence of anything else. If one could imagine that this Primary existence would cease to exist then nothing else could possibly exist. But if one could imagine that everything else ceases to exist, that would not affect the existence of the Primary existence…”
G-d enables all of existence. This is one of the defining attributes of G-d.
The Nefesh HaChayim adds some imagery to the above concept, imagery borrowed from Chazal’s description of G-d as “makom,” “place.”
“Just as the “makom”(place) enables an object to exist, so does G-d enable the world to exist. Without the makom, there would be no “place” for a thing to exist. G-d is the “place” of existence.”
Noticing “Place”
“Place” gives “Space,” the space for things to be.
Look around the room you’re in. Do you notice any objects? How is any object able to sit there? Because it has place/space. The room may be filled with many objects and our mind tries to locate and identify all of them. But what gets no attention is the place/space that enables the objects to be. All these objects are in a place with space. Try noticing the space itself. I’m not even referring to the confines of the room – i.e. the walls, floor and ceiling of the room. Those too are just “things” in their place/space – they can only be there because there’s space which allows for them to exist. Try noticing the place/space that allows for every thing to be.
This is a tricky exercise for a mind that hasn’t traveled down the road we’re taking. The mind is so busy seeking “things” or “stuff” to understand that it distracts us from noticing the presence of a more basic, more profound underlying truth. But once you detect the essence of what I’m describing you will recognize it as being so obvious that you no longer need words to describe it.
A good illustration of this is the relationship between a painting and a canvas. The painting sits on a canvas. It’s easy to get preoccupied with the painting and pay no attention to the canvas, but make no mistake – the canvas enables the painting to be.
Noticing “Silence”
We can extend the imagery to sound. Do you notice any sound right now? Notice how that sound is located on a backdrop of silence. Don’t let the sound fill all your attention. Capture the silence that surrounds and permeates every sound you hear.
Space & Silence are “Nothing”
There is a common denominator between space & silence. They underlie and enable everything to be and yet they themselves are nothing! Silence is no sound. Space is no thing. We only detect these dimensions against the backdrop of “stuff.” And yet in order for “stuff” to be, there MUST be these underlying elements.
Really these elements are the same thing, or rather the same “no-thing,” just manifested on different plains. (A manifestation of “nothing,” as paradoxical as it sounds.) This dimension of nothing permeates everything. It is present in every experience. It is constant. It is absolute and inescapable. It simply IS. You may have detected this dimension before. You may recognize what I’m describing. But it is so obvious that it is practically viewed as insignificant. What can possibly be gained from “nothing?” (This is what the Mesilas Yeshirim famously says in his intro – that which is so well known is also so easily forgotten.)
“Something” from “Nothing”
This recognition of “stuff” on the backdrop of nothing is described as “yesh m’ayin” “something from nothing.” However, it has been pointed out that since all “somethings” are enabled by the dimension of “nothing”, it turns out that the nothing is more substantial than the something! So more accurately we should say “Ayin m’Yesh” “nothing from Something!”
tune into the source dimension, where there’s no thing and yet it contains everything. all the real and true stuff of life is not contained in the ordinary “stuff” that fills our line of vision, but rather in the experience of the dimension of being which allows the existence of everything else.
Ayin (Nothing) = Ani (I)
Possibly the deepest manifestation of the dimension of nothing that enables something is our self, the “I,” the “Ani.” The word “Ani” which shares the same root as “Ayin.” There’s a part of us that is “Ayin” but it enables our whole self to be.
One of life’s growing pains is in each individual’s drive to define themselves. “Who/what am I?” This is the mind’s occupation with using a “thing” to define the self. But what “thing” can really capture the infinite depths of you, which truly is “no thing?” The Ani which is Ayin.
For lack of better words, I would use the term “consciousness” to correspond to the “canvas” of our minds. Our minds have a lot of “stuff” going through them – thoughts, emotions, images. Don’t get tangled or caught up in the stuff. Just notice how you can notice it. Be sensitive to your ability to observe this mind “stuff.” This mind-“stuff” can only be there because YOU – the “Ani” are enabling it!
“Ani” – the Divine “I” within you
You provide the life force, the energy for your mind to operate. Your “Ani,” or better said, YOU are the force that enables your mind to be – and yet what are you? “Ayin.” Nothing. Not nothing in the condescending, insulting sense, but nothing in the ineffable sense, the sense that the true you is divine. The same way G-d is the “place” of the world, the “nothing” that sits beneath the “something,” the ultimate “Ani” giving existence to the world, so too, you, the “Ani,” the real you, grant existence to your mind and the resulting reality you encounter.
